Every single football club on Earth has at least one well-known fan that the majority are ashamed of. It’s part of life and we all have to acknowledge it, accept it, and get on with it.
It’s important to know who these people are, though. So that you can be prepared when your mate comes at you in the pub—you’ll make some off-the-cusp remark about how City are nothing without Rodri, and they’ll be like,“Yeah, well, at least Mussolini didn’t support my club.”
And you’ll be like,“Well, actually, I think you’ll find he didn’t, but this idiot did.”And you can point them toward this very article. You’re welcome. Enjoy.
Arsenal: Keir Starmer
To be fair to the UK’s current Prime Minister, he does seem like one of the few politicians who genuinely does love football.
But that means we’re going to be hearing football metaphors and analogies in his unique congested timbre for the foreseeable.
Aston Villa: Ozzy Osbourne
Speaking of politics, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne appeared in a Conservative campaign video recently, which is about the least cool thing an ancient rock star can do.
The Prince of Darknesshas become the Queef of Shartness, and if there’s any justice in the world, his head will, at some point, be chomped off by a cauldron of bats.
Bournemouth: Alex James
Blur’s cheese-fingered bassist is their downfall. Sure, the Gallaghers are gobby doylems, but they’re not as genuinely c*nty as this fella.
David Cameron’s bezzie mate, multiple claims of, at best, misogyny, and,apparently, not very nice to his fans.
Anyway, he’s Bournemouth’s problem now if you believe the internet—and you shouldn’t—not even us.
TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every player to score a Premier League hat-trick in the 2000s?
Brentford: Dean Gaffney
Looks like Fabian Schar’s older cousin who became a soap actor instead of a ball-playing centre-half. Can’t say he’s done anything to irritate us but it’s slim pickings in the celebrity Brentford fan aisle.
Brighton & Hove Albion: Simon Cowell
When the Ancient Egyptians built the pyramids, they did far less work on them than this melt has had done on his face.
It’s difficult to imagine a more annoying man. The clothes, the attitude, the face, the smarminess…
The only thing that could redeem him, in our books, is if he wore that rubber seagull head you see in the crowds at Brighton games every time he appeared on telly from now until he retires.
Chelsea: Tim Lovejoy
Icky. Reminds us of an icky time in the early-mid noughties when everyone wore too-tight jumpers from supermarkets over collared-shirts, and jeans that hurt.
Essentially, everyone looked like a young Andoni Iraola, the humour was cruel and misogynistic, and you just knew everyone on Soccer AM smelled like beef McCoy’s.
Crystal Palace: Nigel Farage
Apparently, this racist, Trump-shagging, colonialism-rimming fascist is a Palace fan. Gutted for you, Eagles. There’s no way he understands the offside rule.
Everton: Amanda Holden
Disciple of Cowell, Amanda Holden is an Everton fan, weirdly. She was born in Portsmouth, spent a couple years in Bournemouth, and trained in London, so that doesn’t add up.
She was married to Les Dennis for a while, who was born in Liverpool and is a lifelong Reds fan, so perhaps she started following Everton to spite him?
Dunno. Don’t want to end up in a gossip column. Imagine, Planet Football chatting s*it in Hello! magazine. Actually, maybe that would be funny. Come at us, you rats.
TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every player to score a Premier League hat-trick in the 1990s?
Fulham: Pierce Brosnan
If I may slip into the first person singular for a second, I was made to watchMamma Mia! for the first time a few weeks ago,by a friend of mine, after about six pints. She promised me it was class.
I went into it open-minded, well aware it was going to be cheesy and camp, but determined to enjoy it for what it is.
It was maybe the worst film I’ve ever seen, and I can’t forgive Pierce Brosnan for that. Nor can I forgive my friend. A huge shame, but these things happen.
Ipswich Town: Charlie Simpson
A certain member of staff here at Planet Football tried to dye his fringe blonde like Charlie from Busted in year 8, and it looked rubbish. On grounds of jealousy alone, he’s pipped Sheeran to top spot.
It was me. I tried to dye my fringe blonde.
Leicester City: Serge Pizzorno
No, son, you can’t have Oasis tickets for your birthday, we have Oasis at home.
Liverpool: Millie Bobby Brown
We’re giving this to theStranger Thingsstar, but know that we came very close to crowningDamian Lewis as Liverpool’s most annoying fan after that demented rendition ofGod Save the Kingat the F1.
Brown nicks it because of the TikToks and the weird transatlantic accent. We’ve also just discovered she’s married to Jon Bon Jovi’s son, and now we can’t stop imagining what Bon Jovi’s version ofYou’ll Never Walk Alonewould sound like.
READ NEXT: Ranking every Premier League manager by how likely they are to attend the Oasis reunion tour
TRY A QUIZ: Can you name every PFA Young Player of the Year in the Premier League era?
Manchester City: Noel & Liam Gallagher
They’re trending everywhere right now, we’re not going to stop hearing about them for the next year or so, and they are, regardless of the nostalgia and the renewed enthusiasm for Oasis and the scramble for tickets, ultimately, still well annoying.
Manchester United: Elon Musk
Honestly, look up famous Manchester United fans and just take your pick. We’ve gone for this scrotum-looking cyber doyle, but the competition wasstrong.
Newcastle United: Johnny Blue Hat
You’ve got Tony Blair, obviously, but he’s not so relevant in 2024. You’ve got Sting—he’s a weird guy but you don’t see so much of him these days, not since he did that surprisingly not-sh*t NPR Tiny Desk Concert with Shaggy.
Sam Fender is areet by us, so we’ve gone for his saxophonist. He’s probably a lovely lad, but you can’t make wearing a Newcastle top and a daft hat your entire personality.
We’ve tried. Well, Andrew has. Me. I’ve tried.
Nottingham Forest: Matt Forde
Pr*ck.
Southampton: Rishi Sunak
Gonna try and keep this publishable.
Leaving aside literally everything this bloke has ever said or done for just a moment, let’s focus on more minor irritations: The internet has Sunak down as being 5’7″ tall. Bollocks. Why lie? Lorenzo Insigne is 5’4″ and he is mint at football.
He has, by his own admission, zero working-class friends, and that number may have since decreased.
In terms of football—remember when he asked Wales fans if they were excited for Euro 2024? Deary, deary me.
TRY A QUIZ: Can you name the 36 players with 50+ Premier League goals and assists?
Tottenham Hotspur: Michael McIntyre
A wobbly-headed buffoon.
West Ham United: Russell Brand
You weren’t inThe Mighty Boosh,you’re never going to be inThe Mighty Boosh,it’s over, it’s done—move on.
Also, you can’t just use long words to say mad things and expect to be accepted as some sort of sage. We can all use a thesaurus, you sanctimonious cacafuego.
Wolverhampton Wanderers: Edward Elgar
The composer has been dead for 90 years, butNimrodfromThe Enigma Variations still makes us cry and it’s what Wolves should play if they ever win the Premier League.
According to Classic FM, he only came to see Wolves play because he was trying to have it off with the Rector of Wolverhampton’s daughter. Plastic fan. Top shagger.
